I work for M. Bison but some like-minded colleagues and I have vowed to thwart his world domination agenda. M. Bison currently faces a tough test and it’s not from sonic booms or dragon punches or even lightning kicks. It is from me and people like me, who truly believe in the benign evil work that Shadaloo does and not the wholehearted evil work that Bison wants to foist upon the world.
To be clear, my resistance isn’t associated with flag-tattooed jingoists like Guile or bitter ex-employees like Cammy. You see, when Bison first forced his way into my life after killing most of my relatives, I thought “Wow, that’s a man who can wear a cape!” And although Bison is a dictator who essentially elected himself, we thought he’d represent our best interests. At first Shadaloo was all about petty theft and beating up cars with our bare fists and special moves. Occasionally we’d destroy some statues in Thailand (an act that I thought was gauche), but life was good! But as Bison’s ambitions grew, the administration turned an ugly corner. Suddenly, I was forced to help build satellite death rays and kidnap 16-year-olds girl to brainwash and press-gang into a bodyguard force. I stopped recognizing the criminal institution I’d come to know and love. I am concerned by the amount of times Bison feels the need to hover above us and laugh maniacally.
Our resistance manifests itself in small ways. For example, Bison wanted to stop paying for airplanes to fly people around the globe to their matches. “Why can’t they all just teleport like me? I know Dhalsim has the ability. Why should I have to cover travel? These people are losers!” he’d scream. I fought tooth and nail (Literally! I was dodging psycho blasts!), reassuring him that travel is standard and many of these fighters are borderline homeless (and in some cases, shoeless).
Another time, Bison complained about health bars. “Why can’t the fighters start at critical? Why are my moves doing so little damage? I talked to Rugal over at King of Fighters and he has moves that take off a third of someone’s life!” I explained that unless those uncouth ruffians, we are a system that values combos and timing. Our illegal fights need to have distinct boundaries. We are not boorish commoners like those Mortal Kombatants, who don’t even believe in using the letter “c.” We don’t believe in setting up fights over pits of acid or under ceilings lined with spikes. We aren’t about having a killer instinct. We are better than this! You can all rest assured; there are adults in the room making sure that our enterprise remains mildly unpleasant instead of atrociously oppressive.
There are certain aspects of Bison’s leadership that I approve of, such as his insistence on using Bison dollars, his need to conduct organized fights in colorful backgrounds, and his incineration of dissidents with his Psycho Power. But we are an organization of certain standards. We know that if we destroy the world, where will be able to having no holds barred tournaments? And more importantly, who will be able watch and cheer us on as they do mundane tasks in the background like choke chickens? I know that many of you despise us, merely because we burned down your hometown or poisoned the local water supply, but I promise things would be so much worse without us to check Bison’s baser desires.
I am so proud of my resistance that I will not reveal my name because as a wise man once wrote: Ignorance is strength. I know that some of you all are clamoring for a revolution but we are just trying to keep the ship steady until Gill takes over running the Street Fighter matches. We have to shed this tribalism and come together to do what we know how to do best: beat people into unconsciousness and then utter a pithy win quote. And as long as I can draw breath, I….oh sorry Bison just walked in the room and I have to give him a proper salute or he’ll murder my firstborn.