First some backstory: In 2012, a little-watched show appeared on HBO titled “Girls” that was marketed as “Sex And The City for 20-something artists.” It was billed as being as real as it is groundbreaking and was written by Lena Dunham, a critically acclaimed actress/writer/director/visionary/Kashi-eater. And this little show generated more think-pieces and articles than there were actual viewers.
Why, you ask, would a show that barely had a million viewers have so much buzz? Well, it stemmed from a couple of major issues. (1) The show was supposed to be a real portrayal of New York City and ALL of the main characters are white, and most of the minor characters. (2) The show-runner Lena Dunham is 25 years old and a woman – which is admittedly unprecedented. (3) The show comes from the point of view of 4 very privileged and hard-to-relate-to women (which actually does make it a lot like Sex and the City) and the actreses are all 4 very privileged and hard-to-relate-to women. (4) The show was very proud of portraying Lena Dunham as “not fabulous”, because she weighed more than a size 0 and ate cupcakes in the tub (which…again is a great feat, but also ew, eating in the bathroom…not OK unless you’re going through a break-up or pregnant).
At the time, I was in numerous debates with people about the merits of the show. Some were great, most were irritating. I tried the show out and thought it was an unfunny myopic mess – in fact, I called it “Sex and the City: The Mumblecore Diaries.” Anyway, I wrote a sketch spoofing this show (and by extension, many other all-white shows that claim to be real) called Chick$$$ waaay back in April and then…I did nothing with it.
Well, that all changes now. I’m posting the original script I wrote for this in the hopes that someone with a camera and a desire to help a struggling comic sees this and wants to help a brotha out! Read it and weep (from laughter…hopefully).
START: Black Screen
Voiceover (VO): From the network executives of Girls, Friends, How I Met Your Mother, and Entourage comes a hit show that really speaks to the trials and tribulations of the 20 something generation.
A show that The Indie Sun-Post calls “groundbreaking and true to life.” [Card that says “Groundbreaking and true to life”]
A show that Privilege Quarterly hails as “the most accurate and diverse portrayal of New York City I’ve ever seen” [Card that says “…the most accurate and diverse portrayal of New York City I’ve ever seen”]
A show that Hashtag Abuse Magazine says @Girls #omgsoooogood #soooaccurate [Card that says “@Girls #omgsoooogood #soooaccurate”]
And the Oberlin Observer says of this come-drama hit: “This show is as magnificent as it is quintessential.” [Card that says “This show is as magnificent as it is quintessential.”]
If you want a universal and refreshing take on the post-college adult experience, you’re gonna love CHICK$$$
[TITLE CARD: “CHICK$$$”]
Atalanta Oberlin [Headshot of actress in a blonde wig]
Xiovinyard Amherst [Headshot of same actress in a brunette wig]
Amberlyn Bates [Headshot of same actress in a red wig]
Elizabetsy Pomona [Headshot of same actress in a short purple wig]
SCENE 1: A large apartment
VO: Chick$$$ brings you women talking like real women:
AO: Oh! Em! Gee! Amberlyn! My parents are going to totally cut me off of my $3200 a month allowance.
AB: Oh no, Atalanta, how will you afford to live in this modest apartment? [Pan around to a huge space]
AO: Like, I don’t even know. I guess I’ll have to cut corners or someth—[VACUUM TURNS ON] EXCUSE ME!!! I’m trying to have a conversation Conchita?!
MAID: Oh sorry Miss Atalanta. [Puts down vacuum and starts sweeping]
AO: I mean, I’m barely able to stretch that $3200 out. [pauses again, looks at Maid] Consuela!! What did i just tell you about the noise!!
MAID: I apologize, Miss Atlanta [puts broom aside, gets on hands and knees and starts using her hand to sweep floor-dust into a dustpan]
AO: Gowd! Anyway I have to cut corners or something…But how can I save money? [Walks to fridge and takes out a bottle of Grey Goose and a steak]
AB: I don’t know. But let’s go to a fancy restaurant and get a $200 dinner and brainstorm.
AO: Totally! Hey, Shakira can you run to Rite Aid and pick up a pregnancy test, oh and run to Trader Joe’s and get a bottle of Pinot Grigio? THX.
MAID: My name is Alice. [Sighs]
[Lily Allen’s The Fear Plays]
SCENE 2: On a street in front of a large group of businesses
VO: We tackle employment issues!
AT: Oh to the no! I have to find a job. But what can I do? I mean, I just have to work somewhere…[She passes by stores with help wanted signs] Oh em gee! [Runs to a tiny flyer on a billboard that says “Internship—No Pay—No Experience or Effort Required”] I’ll just volunteer here for 2 years until they pay me!
SCENE 3: A restaurant in Manhattan
VO: We deal with weighty problems!
AO: Okay so like I totally have to lose 5 pounds so I can go to the Arcade Fire/MIA concert this weekend. But sushi is like sooo yummy.
E: Yeah totally.
AB: Totally yeah.
X: You should tweet that!
AO: Lulz! Okay. [Starts typing on her iPhone]
[Camera starts to pan towards a group of black people talking]
Black Man: So my student loans just went up to $600 a month.
Black Woman: Oh my God! What are you going to do?
Black Man: Well I’m not really sure. I mean, my editorial assistant job doesn’t pay really well and my second job is cutting hours so…
AO: [Off screen] Excuse me, we’re over here! [Camera cuts back to the Chick$ table] Where was I? Oh yeah, I think caviar is like totally gross and salty. Kind of like other things that are salty.
E: You mean semen?
X: Hahahaha lulz! That’s so funny.
E: So funny!
AB: Really funny!
X: You should tweet that.
E: We’re like soooo edgy.
[AO types away on her iPhone]
AO: I got a retweet!
SCENE 4: Same apartment as in Scene 1
VO: But don’t worry. There’s also heavy drama!
X: OMG Elizabetsy! I can’t believe you’re like two hours late to my dinner party! Ugh, I was so bored I had to talk to an Asian.
EP: Well, whatever, Xiovineyard.
X: But no one came to my dinner party.
EP: Wait what about them? [Cut to a large group of people in the apartment]
X: But they’re nobodies.
Party People: We’re right here!
EP: Well, I’m just like a free spirit. I can’t be on time to everything.
X: But don’t you see how your lateness affects me? Meeee? Stop being selfish and think about meeeeeee.
EP: You’re like so right. I’m sorry I’m late.
X: I’m sorry I yelled at you.
EP: I’m sorry you talked to an Asian.
ASIAN: I’m sorry I came to this bullshit party.
X: So anyway, like let’s eat cupcakes and listen to Sleigh Bells.
EP: OMG! Dance party!
[Sleigh Bell’s Comeback Kid plays in the background. The chick$ start dancing and everyone at the party looks at them confused.]
SCENE 5: Dingy apartment, probably a studio.
VO: And don’t forget the sexual situations…
AT: So hey William St. James McCloud Chillingworth. Like, are we in a relationship or not?
WILL: Uhhh…no. I mean you’re kind of annoying but I figure that because you’re a little thick boning you would be like boning a black chick without actually boning a black chick. You know what I mean?
AT: OMG! That is like soooo racist. [Takes out phone] I’m totally tweeting that.
WILL: So for real, are you gonna get naked? Because I have to be at a Skeeball tournament in Greenpoint in like 2 hours.
AT: Lulz! Okay fine. But no buttsex please?
WILL: I can’t promise that.
AT: Smirk! [Shrugs her shoulders]
[MGMT’s Time To Pretend plays]
SCENE 6: Busy downtown street
VO: But, don’t worry we have diversity here too.
[Atalanta see two guys (Hispanic or Asian) in suits]
AT: Ewwwww! Minorities!
Homeless Black Man: Don’t worry white bitch. Everything gon be a’right!
AT: Awwww, thanks black stereotype! [Takes out a dollar and reaches into his hat, and instead takes out the $20 bill that was already in the hat] Sorry, I’m like totes poor so I need to take this money.
HBM: It’s okay. Do you!
AT: Wink! Smiley face!
[Jessie J’s Price Tag plays in the background]
VO: CHICK$$$, because LULZ FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS couldn’t fit on the title screen. [Title card that says “CHICK$$$” in capital letters]