I normally am against such things as listing yearly accomplishments because I don’t like bragging about myself. But 2018 has been a very rough year that began as a huge mess with a fight with an “ex” (easiest way to describe it) and ended with me having to give up my lovely studio for health reasons. But I am far too accustomed to letting the bad outweigh the good. So based on advice from a therapist, I’m listing all the good things I’ve done this year, not to brag, but to give myself a sense of perspective and show that I still got a lot of shit done despite personal turmoil. I’m sure there stuff I left off and maybe I’ll go back and revise this but it feels good to just let it all out.

Before I begin, I want to give a very special thanks to Vanessa Valerio, Anita Flores, Natalie Wall, Bobby Hankinson, Cait Moldenhauer, Brian McGuinness, Aalap Patel, Tom Steffen, Richard James, Pat O’Shea, Keith Malley, Chemda Khalili, Kambri Crews, Chris Gersbeck, Katie Compa, Selena Coppock, Jenn Wehrung, Rachael Parenta, David Piccolomini, Robin Mathew, Asher Novek, Susan Kent, Lois Thompson, Josh Homer, Robin Bady, Carolina Hidalgo, John Bevacqua, Anna Paratore, Sherri Smith, Andrea Allan, Emily Lubin, John Fugelsang, Xorje Olivares, Kevin Scott Hall, Kelli Dunham, Jenny Rubin, Ken Schultz, Shawn Verhoy, and Freddy’s Bar and Backroom for hooking me up with special opportunities to perform and be heard in different venues/styles. And of course, thanks to everyone who put me up on your shows. Even if your name isn’t listed, you are all special and I’m honored to get to perform stand-up and storytelling with you.

List of 2018 Comedy Accomplishments:
Performer Accomplishments

• Performed on roughly 250 shows this year
• Auditioned for two network TV pilots despite not having representation (one did not make it to series)
• Was a guest on a Sirius XM radio show (John Fugelsang’s Tell Me Everything; Affirmative Reaction w/ Xorje Olivares)
• Was paid to host an open mic
• Got to perform a 45 minute story in a lovely house in Brooklyn (thank you Robin Bady)
• Was a part of the Keith And The Girl Podcast Marathon and accidentally blurted out some stuff about an ex (sorry…but also not sorry?)
• Headlined a Queer POC Event for Rutgers University (thanks to LLEGO student group)
• Got be a guest storyteller for Awkward Sex And The City; did a sold out show in Washington DC
• Performed at Alamo Drafthouse (for Queer Film Theory)
• Took a solo trip to Florida where I got to visit my brother’s grave and have sex in a parking lot (both items are unrelated)
• Recorded a half hour stand up comedy set at QED Astoria
• Wrote and performed an hour or stand-up and storytelling at three different venues
• Successfully made it through another year of hosting Ed Sullivan on Acid at Freddy’s Bar and Backroom (longest running free comedy show in Brooklyn)
• Performed on a naked show at a gay bar (Club Cumming)
• Helped judge a high school musical/play competition
• Took my friend to Stonewall Inn for the first time and had him get a lap dance from a drag queen
• Performed on a show for dogs and dog lovers (Ruff Crowd w/ Buzz Baker)
• Performed on a political event on Election Day where I got to see the Blue Wave happen in real time
• Performed in Philadelphia for the first time
• Co-hosted a live podcast/show with Anita Flores about all the non-cable TV we watched because we had no cable
• Co-host a loose and chatty podcast with Carolina Hidalgo, John Bevacqua, and Anna Paratore
• Did multiple GeeksOUT Podcasts where I got to discuss comic books with a queer bent
• Talked about best Sade albums on a podcast
• Performed on a show for Brooklyn Pride and then got recognized from that show months later
• Made Time Out New York’s list of queer comics of color to watch
• Performed at a house party with a hot tub that I got very drunk in
• Recorded a bad date story courtesy of Singleling
• Did a podcast where I got the hosts to try flavored condoms
• Performed in Egremont, Massachusetts and got to catch up with a friend and drink too much canned wine
• Received a lovely art piece of myself courtesy of Kweendom Comedy Show
• Watched the summer fireworks at Coney Island
• Wrote a fake obituary for a death-based theme show
• Hosted Rachael Parenta’s hour long comedy album recording
• Performed at a show with pole dancers
• Got to be a part of a show that did movie riffs of softcore porn movies
• Did a live podcast about being unemployed/underemployed where I got to play Mario Kart 64
• Performed in a Christian church and had a wonderful set
• Performed in a church for a predominately queer audience and had a wonderful set
• Read a sex story I wrote when I was 14 years old to numerous audiences (some of whom were NOT prepared for it)

Playable Characters Podcast accomplishments (with Brian McGuinness and Aalap Patel):

• Did a live show at Long Island Retro Expo
• Did a live show at FlameCon
• Booth at A Video Game Con
• Booth at Brooklyn Geek Fest

Festivals/Competitions:

• One Liner Madness
• StoryFest
• Speak Up Rise Up Festival
• Gotham Storytelling Festival
• FlameCon (an LGBTQIA Comic-Con at Sheraton Hotel)

And here is to hoping that 2019 brings even bigger and better things!

I work for M. Bison but some like-minded colleagues and I have vowed to thwart his world domination agenda. M. Bison currently faces a tough test and it’s not from sonic booms or dragon punches or even lightning kicks. It is from me and people like me, who truly believe in the benign evil work that Shadaloo does and not the wholehearted evil work that Bison wants to foist upon the world.

To be clear, my resistance isn’t associated with flag-tattooed jingoists like Guile or bitter ex-employees like Cammy. You see, when Bison first forced his way into my life after killing most of my relatives, I thought “Wow, that’s a man who can wear a cape!” And although Bison is a dictator who essentially elected himself, we thought he’d represent our best interests. At first Shadaloo was all about petty theft and beating up cars with our bare fists and special moves. Occasionally we’d destroy some statues in Thailand (an act that I thought was gauche), but life was good! But as Bison’s ambitions grew, the administration turned an ugly corner. Suddenly, I was forced to help build satellite death rays and kidnap 16-year-olds girl to brainwash and press-gang into a bodyguard force. I stopped recognizing the criminal institution I’d come to know and love. I am concerned by the amount of times Bison feels the need to hover above us and laugh maniacally.

Our resistance manifests itself in small ways. For example, Bison wanted to stop paying for airplanes to fly people around the globe to their matches. “Why can’t they all just teleport like me? I know Dhalsim has the ability. Why should I have to cover travel? These people are losers!” he’d scream. I fought tooth and nail (Literally! I was dodging psycho blasts!), reassuring him that travel is standard and many of these fighters are borderline homeless (and in some cases, shoeless).

Another time, Bison complained about health bars. “Why can’t the fighters start at critical? Why are my moves doing so little damage? I talked to Rugal over at King of Fighters and he has moves that take off a third of someone’s life!” I explained that unless those uncouth ruffians, we are a system that values combos and timing. Our illegal fights need to have distinct boundaries. We are not boorish commoners like those Mortal Kombatants, who don’t even believe in using the letter “c.” We don’t believe in setting up fights over pits of acid or under ceilings lined with spikes. We aren’t about having a killer instinct. We are better than this! You can all rest assured; there are adults in the room making sure that our enterprise remains mildly unpleasant instead of atrociously oppressive.

There are certain aspects of Bison’s leadership that I approve of, such as his insistence on using Bison dollars, his need to conduct organized fights in colorful backgrounds, and his incineration of dissidents with his Psycho Power. But we are an organization of certain standards. We know that if we destroy the world, where will be able to having no holds barred tournaments? And more importantly, who will be able watch and cheer us on as they do mundane tasks in the background like choke chickens? I know that many of you despise us, merely because we burned down your hometown or poisoned the local water supply, but I promise things would be so much worse without us to check Bison’s baser desires.

I am so proud of my resistance that I will not reveal my name because as a wise man once wrote: Ignorance is strength. I know that some of you all are clamoring for a revolution but we are just trying to keep the ship steady until Gill takes over running the Street Fighter matches. We have to shed this tribalism and come together to do what we know how to do best: beat people into unconsciousness and then utter a pithy win quote. And as long as I can draw breath, I….oh sorry Bison just walked in the room and I have to give him a proper salute or he’ll murder my firstborn.

I keep seeing #FreeMelania hashtags and calls that she is blameless and that we should leave her alone. To that sentiment, I say “Stop doing this.” Melania is not an innocent Bambi who strayed too far into the woods and is now at risk. Melania made her bed made of safety pins and knives with Donald Trump and now she has to lie in it with an overly bronzed Jabba the Hutt.

Now obviously, she is not as bad as that greasy orange blumpkin but she is the worst kind of white non-ally. Melania is the shining idol of white complicity; she is that white woman who stands quietly by as her companion spews racism and atrocities. She is the queen of the “I got mine” mindset. And indeed she does have hers. She gets to live in a garish eye-searing apartment with her servants and her pampered son. She barely had to speak during her husband’s campaign. Her life comprises two jobs: stand close to Donald Trump and squint bewilderedly in cameras.

And she may not say racist things; she may even have positive opinions about Mexicans. But I’m sure she doesn’t discuss any of her opinions with Trump. I know that she has done jack shit to try to change his mind. She’s done nothing to push his ultra-right wing, regressive, and prejudiced views more towards the center. She did fuck all deterring him from running for President of the United States, a position that Trump is vastly unqualified for considering he has never held a public office position nor served in the military.

Let me be clear. I am NOT okay with the folks calling Melania Trump a “rent-a-ho” or people sharing Melania’s naked pictures in an attempt to slut-shame her. I really don’t give a shit. We ALL have naked pictures somewhere on the internet. I’ve racked up a high sex partner count. Frankly, I wouldn’t even blame her if she was an actual prostitute merely having sex with Trump, taking his money and immediately heading back to her own apartment after wiping his cheap spray tan off her body. But at the same time, I think she’s cowardly, intellectually lazy, and the worst kind of supervillain. She consciously chose to marry and be permanently linked with this man, come hell or high water. She’s content with sitting by the throne all Botoxed up because she believes that this presidency is just another inconvenience of the Donald that she has to put up with for the paychecks. She is the Mercy Graves to Donald’s Lex Luthor, fine with wearing cute outfits and holding doors for her man as he buys and sells human rights like they’re penny stocks.

To the people who claim that she can’t rebel because of the pre-nuptial agreement, fuck all of that. As of this writing, Donald Trump has a 40% approval rating. He is not even in office and he’s in the running to being the most hated man in America. Does Melania think that high-level Democrats and anti-Trump organizations wouldn’t be chomping at the bit to pay her legal fees and support her financially if she spilled where all the skeletons are? I’d argue that Melania would be the most loved person in the world if she stood up and said “Fuck it, Donald Trump is trash and here are ALL the receipts.” Any lawsuits Trump would toss her way would be taken care of by high-powered lawyers. And sure, maybe her standard of living would be reduced, but were I her, I would be fine with making $1 million or so less and not have to live in a tacky-ass building that even Scrooge McDuck would say “Ew, too much gold!”

In terms of social capital, Melania stands to gain so much by breaking away from and divorcing that burnt sienna devil dog. She would be Mata Hari crossed with Wonder Woman. Hell, I’d take down this post. But, Melania is the face of white cowardice, where she just doesn’t think that vehement racism, sexism, and xenophobia are deal-breakers as long as gets to sleep on Egyptian cotton. Rocking the boat is too hard, and she doesn’t want to rock boats lest she get put on the next one out of this country.

And furthermore to the people saying that she did not ask to be part of the Trump presidency machine, I don’t buy that. Because once again, she can get a goddamn divorce. I’m sure that no candidate’s spouse wants to be a part of the political machine but that’s not how this works. Michelle Obama has repeatedly expressed how difficult it is to be in the public eye but she endured it. She has to smile and dismiss years and years of terrible gorilla memes, crude racist remarks, protester ambushes, and people criticizing and insulting her children. But she continued to campaign and support Barack Obama because she believed in both his ideals and the idea that America is already a great nation.

While I’m not going to do things like call Melania anti-woman slurs or take a poop on pictures of her face, I’m also not going to sit here and act like she’s not part of the problem. She is a thoroughly shitty person with bad priorities and a bad soul. She stayed married to a man who called Mexican rapists and thinks all black live in inner cities AS HE’S TALKING TO BLACK PEOPLE WHO DON’T LIVE IN INNER CITIES. I just cannot even fathom sleeping in the same room with a man who has said half of the things Trump said much less allow him to have the right to occasionally paw at and put his penis inside of me, no matter how large the paycheck is.

So y’all can feel bad and make all the Save Melania memes you want, but I’ll be sitting my black ass right here going “Fuck her enabling bullshit.” I am tired of being told to feel bad for white people who will not extend the same empathy for other human beings. And to Melania, good luck with all of that and I sincerely hope it doesn’t take Trump starting a war with your homeland for you to finally stand up and go Snapped on that awful orangutan.

Hey white guys! We need to discuss a chronic problem. The Women’s March in Washington DC is coming up this Friday and I’ve seen/read way too many white guys whining about not feeling invited as if the march is an exclusive party at a posh club. From Black Lives Matter to Pride parades, there is no shortage of well-meaning white men who say “I’m white. I promise I’m not shitty and I just want to help, but I’m tired of being shit on and excluded because I’m white.” Before we can talk about how you can get involved, let’s get some basic truths out of the way:

(1) Minorities don’t care about your feelings. We really don’t. Sorry not sorry. We’re too busy trying to get our own rights to obsess over you feeling slighted if we are cursing out the racist white hegemony.

(2) You aren’t as supportive as you think you are. I hate to break it to you but I’m 99% sure you’re not. For example, you say that you care about Black Lives Matter. How many marches have you participated in? Did you vote for candidates who supported demilitarizing the police? Do you donate to groups that are working to dismantle the biased legal structure in the United States? Have you visited any Black Lives Matter group websites? Instead of taking time to answer these questions, just do these things and then move on to point (3).

(3) You aren’t taking issue with the right people. Instead of complaining to minorities that you’re one of “the good ones,” why aren’t you talking to your conservative white friends and family about how you’re one of “the good ones?” Do you know how minorities find you annoying when you say shit like “I went to Africa and held a black baby with HIV and it changed my life?” Push that annoying talk onto your fellow whites to open their eyes. Every time your racist grandfather starts repeating Fox News bullet points about minorities, refute those arguments while saying you’re a “good white person.” Yes, every single time.

(4) If you actually were excluded from an event, you were probably being a dick. Have you ever listened to a person’s story about oppression and then responded with “Well, do you think you were overreacting?” That’s you being a dick. I know this is hard to understand in our current era where everyone deserves to be heard but voicing your opinions is neither required nor desired unless you are specifically asked. Once again, see point (1): It’s not about you.

Here’s an example from my own life. I am not trans but I have trans friends and I would call myself an ally. And these are the ways I show my allyship:

• I donate money to trans activist groups (Sylvia Rivera Law Project, Audre Lorde Center, etc.)
• I read articles to educate myself about trans issues.
• I don’t make self-aggrandizing Facebook posts about how much I “help” trans people.
• I don’t try to dominate the conversation about trans people because I understand that I am not trans.
• I listen to trans experiences and accept that their experiences are valid.
• I understand that despite the actions I’m taking to be a good ally, I know that there is more work to be done and that my responsibility is to be mindful of my own blind spots.

To help you white guys out even further with an analogy, let’s look at your ultimate white savior: Batman. Do you think Batman goes to women’s groups saying “Hey lady, I got you your purse back. Can you tell me why this woman is yelling #NotAllMen at me?” Do you see Batman posting on Instagram posed with a potential victim with a caption saying “Don’t worry, I got y’all!” and smiling emojis? Does Batman stroll into a homeless shelter and say “Hey my alter ego provides the food here for you guys so maybe you should stop calling Bruce Wayne a capitalist pig”? He doesn’t do any of that, because Batman understands that doing the work is more important than getting credit for doing the work. Batman understands that being hated is a part of the job. Batman isn’t working to make himself feel better; Batman is working for a crime-free city.

Much like Batman, our jobs as allies are to be invisible protectors against bigotry and prejudice (you don’t have to wear a rubber suit though). So the next time you see an article about a civil rights march, instead of thinking, “Why am I not allowed to go?” ask yourself “What can I do to make sure the people attending that march will be safely heard?” And also, for the love of Anubis, stop asking basic questions that you can find the answers to via the Internet.

Thanks!

I’ve been getting many questions and seen a lot of posts on social media where people are asking “What can I do to help?” I know that going to protests, rallies, or advocacy groups may be tough depend on your schedule or if you have a disability. However, you can always help financially! And you don’t have to give $500 or a building. Even $5 is all it takes.

Below is the list of all the organizations I either have already given to (via my show, which more later) or plan to donate to in the future. You can donate directly or volunteer as well! I included a link to their website and a short blurb explaining what they do. Huge thanks to Jezebel, The Salad Bowl Kinja, Daily Kos, and W Magazine and the various comment sections of those sites for getting me started and feel free to share this list!

Planned Parenthood – https://www.plannedparenthood.org
Pro-women health organization dedicated to ensuring and supporting reproductive rights.

Sylvia Rivera Law Project – http://srlp.org/
Provides legal aid and support to low-income trans people of color.

American Civil Liberties Union – https://www.aclu.org/
Stated mission: To defend and preserve the individual rights and liberties guaranteed to every person in this country by the Constitution and laws of the United States.

Border Angels – http://www.borderangels.org/
Volunteer organization advocating for US-Mexico immigration reform.

Campaign Zero – http://www.joincampaignzero.org/
Works to end police brutality

Center for Reproductive Rights – https://www.reproductiverights.org/
Works to secure women’s reproductive rights

Council on American-Islamic Relations – https://www.cair.com
Muslim civil liberties organization

EarthJustice – http://earthjustice.org/
Nonprofit environmental law organization

Lambda Legal – www.lambdalegal.org
Legal organization dedicated to fighting for the civil rights of the LGBT population and people with HIV

Disability Rights Education and Defense Fund – https://dredf.org
Organization focused on improving the rights of people with disabilities

Mazzoni Center – https://www.mazzonicenter.org
Offers healthcare services to LGBTQ population in Philadelphia

New York City Alliance Against Sexual Assault – www.svfreenyc.org/
The mission of the New York City Alliance Against Sexual Assault is to prevent sexual violence and reduce the harm it causes through education, research and advocacy.

NARAL Pro Choice America – http://www.prochoiceamerica.org/
Political advocacy group focused on fighting for women’s reproductive rights and freedom

NAACP Legal Defense Fund – http://www.naacpldf.org/ways-get-involved
Promote the civil rights of people of color and works to eliminate race-based discrimination

Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights of Los Angeles – www.chirla.org
Advocacy and organizing group focusing on achieving human, civil, and labor rights for immigrants

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence – www.ncadv.org
Non-profit membership organization working to end violence in the lives of women.

Buy From A Black Woman – http://www.buyfromablackwoman.com/
Directory of black woman-owned businesses in various fields, from engineering to beauty care to erotica

National Immigration Law Center – https://www.nilc.org/get-involved/
Fighting for the rights of low-income immigrants through litigation, policy analysis and advocacy

National Organization for Women – http://nownyc.org/get-involved/
Activist organization, foundation and PAC that advocates for equal rights for women.

Native American Rights Fund – http://www.narf.org/
Legal assistance to Native American tribes, organizations, and individuals

NextGen Climate Action – https://nextgenclimate.org/volunteer/
Works politically to prevent climate disaster.

The Audre Lorde Project – http://alp.org/
Community organization and outreach to queer people of color

Southern Poverty Law Center – www.splcenter.org
Focuses on civil rights and public interest litigation. Fights a lot of cases against white supremacist groups.

Texas Freedom Network – http://tfn.org/
Acts as the state’s watchdog for monitoring far-right issues, organizations, money and leaders.

Trevor Project Mission – thetrevorproject.org
A national 24-hour, toll free confidential suicide hotline for gay and questioning youth.

Young Center for Immigrant Children’s Rights – http://theyoungcenter.org/
The Young Center is dedicated to advocating for the best interests of unaccompanied immigrant children, to ensure that wherever they land, they are safe

Sierra Club – http://www.sierraclub.org/
Grassroots environmental organization working to protect millions of acres of wilderness and pass legislation like the Clean Air Act and the Clean Water Act.

Girls Who Code – https://girlswhocode.com/
Organization dedicated to closing the gender gap in technology job fields.

Prep for Prep – www.prepforprep.org
Leadership development program that offers scholarships, academic and leadership help to underrepresented minorities. NOTE: I was a part of this program and Prep for Prep does amazing work! They helped me in terms of finding a great college and helped me with the high school selection process. They also give near full scholarships to various private and boarding schools.

Union of Concerned Scientists – http://www.ucsusa.org/
Works to create solutions to the planet’s most pressing scientific problems through research, advocacy, and policy.

She Should Run – http://www.sheshouldrun.org/
Non-profit that aims to get more women into elected leadership roles.

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) – www.rainn.org
Anti-sexual assault organization working with local rape crisis centers across the U.S.

Engineer Girl – http://www.engineergirl.org/
The EngineerGirl website is designed to bring national attention to the exciting opportunities that engineering represents for girls and women.

Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press – https://www.rcfp.org/donate
The Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press and its attorneys offer an unrivaled breadth of service, materials, and knowledge on all aspects of media law.

FabFems – http://www.fabfems.org/about
National database of women in science, technology, engineering and mathematics. FabFems matches girls with role models. NOTE: I didn’t see a donation page but please email them to see how you can support.

Reproductive Health Access Project – http://www.reproductiveaccess.org/
Non-profit that trains clinicians to make quality reproductive healthcare more accessible.

Running Start – http://runningstartonline.org/
Organization dedicated to educating young women and girls about the importance of politics

PEN America – https://pen.org/donation
Strives to protect free and open expression in the United States and across the world through literature and writing.

Oliver Scholars Program – http://www.oliverscholars.org/
Prepares high-achieving Black and Latino students for success at top independent high schools and prestigious colleges.

National Society of Black Engineers – www.nsbe.org
Student-governed organization working to increase the number of culturally responsible Black engineers. NOTE: My late brother was a part of this organization and they do excellent work!

Also, I co-run a stand-up comedy show every 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Mondays at Freddy’s Bar called Ed Sullivan on Acid. The show is free, there’s free candy, and I promote a diverse line-up of voices. Post-election, I started a new policy where for every person who comes to the show, I donate $1 to one of the above organizations. I also pass a bucket around to collect donation money for any audience members who feel comfortable doing so. Below is the info for my show:

NAME: Ed Sullivan on Acid
WHERE: Freddy’s Bar
ADDRESS: 627 5th Avenue (between 17th and 18th Street), Brooklyn, NY
WHEN: Every 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and sometimes 5th Mondays
TIME: 9:00 pm – 10:30 pm
COST: Free!
PLUS: Free candy!

Finally, please email/DM me and let me know of other organizations and I’ll add them to the list! Stay safe and look out for your fellow brothers and sisters.

NOTE: I’m using neutral pronouns here and Xs for the purposes of anonymity.

This Tuesday, I went to my therapist’s office and I didn’t even pretend to talk about my personal issues after the first 5 minutes. I began ranting about how disappointed I am in the fact that Donald Trump became president. And the rant morphed into a full on sob about Hillary Clinton’s loss and I admitted something out loud that I kept to myself for a week: I felt that her loss destroyed my hope of truly succeeding at stand-up comedy.

When I first started doing stand-up comedy in New York City, I was 22 and figuring out my identity. I just graduated from a liberal arts college and I was fully of phrases like “Fight heteronormativity” and “Let’s make safe spaces.” I was hungry and went to many open mics to work on my craft but I ran up against a similar problem that a lot of minority comics encounter—unfiltered white males. I was forced to sit and placidly smile through terrible racist and sexist jokes, liberal use of the word “faggot,” ironic use of racial slurs, and copious amounts of “rape but not rape-rape” jokes. Because I was sick of the bullshit, I started my own open mic that had a rule of not being racist, sexist or homophobic. And frankly, it was a fun space. I got to attract a lot of diverse and talented voices. One of those voices was X. X was socially awkward (like 90% of comedians) but X had a gifted and sharp mind. While I noticed some sort of volatility with X, I assumed it was from a place of insecurity.

All of that changed on February 8, 2007. It’s a date that for X was just another day but I’ll never forget. A relatively famous celebrity had died that day and every comedian was quickly churning out jokes, as they do for any dead celebrity. I was talking to X and a group of comedians outside of the open mic and X told a corny celebrity death joke. I laughed and asked X if it was okay to tell this joke onstage to introduce X; X agreed. When the mic started I brought X up to the joke and X was angry with me. X got on stage and ranted at me, calling me untalented and yelled that I was “just a jungle bunny.” The audience and the bartender (who is half-black, although to be honest the race is definitely not important here) were shocked and horrified. The bartender immediately asked me to ban X from this establishment. Because I was young and didn’t know any better, I tried to actually argue for X. I wrote X a very long letter explaining why that kind of language was not okay and especially not from someone I considered a friend who I allowed into my safe space. X gave a standard apology that honestly wasn’t good enough but I was just starting and in comedy, drama equals career suicide. On the surface, I forgave X but I knew this friendship was dead. After all, this wasn’t even the first time X had ever done something this reprehensible but I fully understood the ugliness of X’s personality.

Years later, I watched this comedian get a special on a major comedy network and it was devastating. I had to watch people on Facebook and in real life congratulation this person and rave about how X is so nice and charitable to new comedians and I felt like throwing up. X actively bullied and shamed people, some of whom were close friends of mine, out of a profession that X felt was a manifest destiny. I watched X truly feel entitled in that scary white privileged way that Trump supporters felt entitled. And worse, I felt frighteningly alone.

Until in 2015, I performed in San Francisco with a guy who was familiar with X because they had worked together in X’s home state who also confirmed that X is a shitty person. And every couple of months, I’ll meet another comic who will confirm that X was and in some ways still is a major asshole and no one understands why people work with X.

I hate when people say things like “X is a different person now” or “Those were just words” or “X was just angry at you.” That denies my personhood. If I were angry at another comic, I would never resort to slurs or name calling. This is a person who is essentially my coworker. If we worked in an office job, I could have reported this abuse to HR. But because we are in a business where there are no real hierarchies or accountability, all the bullshit just gets swept under a rug. At least in the New York City comedy world, you’re undesirable until you have something to leverage and I have been forced to endure and watched people tolerate racists, sexists, and sexual harassers as long as those shitty folks can help them/me get to the next level.

So what does this have to do with the election? I watched Clinton being targeted for savage sexist attacks and being picked apart on every minor issue. And so much of the onslaught against her mirrored issues I’ve had in my own career of having to fight against antiquated and racist/homophobic thoughts and fears. I’m not saying that Clinton is perfect; I indeed intended to hold her accountable for some of her problematic policies. I’m also not saying that I’m the best comedian in the world; I know I don’t always bring it and I sometimes get lazy with joke endings. However, her policies were actually pretty solid. And she actually had policies and experience! I’ve seen Hillary admit to her culpability in bad events. And I would never resort to calling her a nasty woman, a bitch, or a cunt, or demand that she’d be in jail.

In contrast, I watch a man who called Mexicans rapists, who circulated dangerously false statistics on black-on-black and black-on-white crime, who believes all Muslims should be detained or deported, who literally said that he loved being powerful so he can “grab women by the pussy” like a handsy caveman. I watched this man become president—and moreover, less than a full week later, I watched this man walk back a slight fraction of his statements and people are already calling to unify with him and his constituents and give him a chance. Is this real life? Of course it is.

I really thought Hillary Clinton winning would have at least been the repudiation of my fears about how backwards this populace really is. But they aren’t. Her loss is just another ratification of the proof that abjectly terrible white males can get away with saying whatever they want and still achieve as long as they say “I didn’t mean it” or “I’m just kidding.” Here I am watching people deny Trump’s abusive language and dismissing many legitimate concerns about what this outcome means. I’m now watching so many hate crimes appear in my news feed and so many folks who feel okay with crapping all over political correctness and wokeness. And it breaks my heart.

Obviously, this 2016 election outcome is bigger than my career. And I have, at least on the surface, forgiven myself and this comedian. But this election and that therapy session has opened my eyes to how I react to big losses. I understand that I have a lot of work to do. I’ve spent so many years being paralyzed by white bullying and I am taking a stand, not with violent looting but with my words. I will loudly stand in my truth, put in the legwork, and donate to organizations that best represent my political interests. As long as I can stand and breathe and love my art, I will continue to produce and strive. I will continue to speak out against injustices done to me and my fellow people of color/queer brothers and sisters. Because I’m tired of seeing incompetent bullies win.